I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
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Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”