You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
You Might Also Like
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
RT if you could go either way.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.