I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
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I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.