When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.