My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
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‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller