My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
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Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Day 2 of my diet
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?