Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
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I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.