My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
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As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”