WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
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I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
So glad we cleared that up
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
my first dose meeting my second
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?