I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
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Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.