They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
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‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
This is a sub tweet
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Blew my mind.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.