Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
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I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”