“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
You Might Also Like
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.