Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
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On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.