The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.