Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.