*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
You Might Also Like
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.