Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
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I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT