Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
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Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!