[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
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Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.