ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
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[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her