I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
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How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
the answer was staring at me all along
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.