How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
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Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there