I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
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“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
he chose this
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.