Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
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I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh