hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
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People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.