Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it