People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
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If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*