Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be