I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
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I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
You are what you delete.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Every photo I’m tagged in