The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
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cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
When can I start eating bats again.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom