We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
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*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”