boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
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my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.