I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
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Important
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
You deplete me
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Overindulged this afternoon.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”