9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
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“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?