Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
You Might Also Like
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.