Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
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Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet