If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
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me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Hotels are back
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.