My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
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“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Spider-cat: No One Home
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.