That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
You Might Also Like
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
time for some seasonal decor
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Morning.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.