My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
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Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.