[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
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Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips