*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
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i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I don’t think my car can fly
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”