Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
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Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”