“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
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Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”