Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
This is my pinned tweet
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.