His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
You Might Also Like
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
when there are deer in the woods
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I’M CRYINGGG
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang