My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
You Might Also Like
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Just me?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.