Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
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I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I feel seen
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!