If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
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My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell